Question:

Do the models in magazine ads look twelve or am I just getting old? —Confused@44

Answer:

If the “44” in your username is your age, you are NOT OLD. And yes, the magazine models are barely pubescent. A friend of mine—a photo retoucher from NYC—told me they retire models before the poor girls start menstruating so the photographers don’t have to deal with bloat and acne.

And speaking of my friend the retoucher, she has the most satisfying “before and after retouching” portfolio—models with pimples, wrinkles, rashes from shaving overgrown pubic hair (my personal favorite), and all sorts of hideous blemishes. Trust me, advertising was invented to empty wallets and mercilessly destroy the self-esteem of the average person.

Not that any of us women are average. We have survived centuries of male dominance, fluctuating hormones, and bad fashions. Nothing will keep us down, and we will march proudly through the 21st century with equality, manicured nails, and adorable shoes. But I digress.

Back to the barely pubescent models. I say feel sorry for them. They don’t know what a complete sentence is. They have yet to experience the first gut-wrenching divorce. There are no frontal lobes discernible in their underdeveloped brains. And they are looking down the pike at REALLY early retirement and no social security for another sixty years.

Screw advertising. After the centuries of male dominance I referred to above, why let anyone else tell you what to think, feel, buy, or wear?

Question:

Why does doing household chores sound more exciting than sex? —californiagirl45

Answer:

Sex is overrated. There are many other thrills just as good or better such as Godiva chocolate, shopping, and getting the nose job you’ve wanted since high school. Concentrate on you—screw sex.

Question:

Why doesn’t my boyfriend ask me to marry him? We’ve been dating over a year. —Misty1999

Answer:

First off my totally awesome fan, if you want to marry your laggard boyfriend, why don’t YOU ask HIM? That said, exactly WHY do you want to get married? 90% of all marriages end up in divorce (okay, I made that up, but I’m sure I’m close).

Instead of wasting untold hours pining for that proposal, why not go shopping for shoes? And, a new pair of shoes requires a fresh pedicure. Then, you can look for an adorbs dress to go with the shoes!

My point is, concentrate on YOU, not HIM. Ironically, this will make your man concentrate on you, too. It’s the nature of the man-beast. It’s like, men don’t seem to have any decision-making synapses in their brains (due to the division of activity between the brain in the head and the brain in the penis), so they just follow random prompts from the environment.

In the movie, Emma, Gwyneth (looking spectacular in an adorbs 18th century outfit) asks the question: “If you prefer Mr. Martin to every other person you know or may ever know, if you think him the most agreeable man you have ever been or ever will be in company with, then why should you hesitate?”

So, the real question is: Do you want to marry him? (Not, does he want to marry you.) If you do, why do you hesitate? Ask him, or go shopping.

Question:

Why do men think that when a woman is over 40 she has passed her expiration date? —californiagirl45

Answer:

Because every man has two brains: one in his head which sometimes learns how to do things such as math; and one in his genital region which responds to caveman prompts such as, “Young female = maximum breeding capabilities and proof that I am the alpha male.” The type of man ruled by the second brain is unfortunately rampant on the planet in spite of evolution of the species.

Evolution happens through mutation. Society changes because a few “crazies” break out of the norm. Be crazy. Break out. Dye your hair purple if you’re over fifty. Wear low-cut jeans and let your fat hang over the top. I’m not sure if it will change anything, but you’ll feel better.

P.S. Apologies to the Renaissance men out there who have evolved past the Neanderthal stage.

P.P.S. By the way, where are you? Wanna have coffee?